Thursday, 24 December 2015
What is it that can kick without feet? A gun.
How can one best get along in the world? Walk.
When is a goat nearly dead? When it is all butt.
What is always behind time? The back of a watch.
Why is thought like the sea? It is a notion (an ocean).
What kind of vice do even bad people dislike? Ad-vice.
What do we often catch, but never see? A passing remark.
When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists.
Why is a bootblack like the sun? Because he shines for all.
When is a cook like a barber? When she dresses hare (hair).
Why is a noisy man like a candle? Because he is often put out.
Why is sneezing like a waterfall? Because it is a catar(rh) act.
Why is a grain of wheat like an acorn? Because it is "a corn."
When is a lamp-post a lamp-lighter? When the lamp is taken off.
Why is necessity like a stupid lawyer? Because it knows no law.
When is water most liable to escape? Whew it's only half tide.
Why has a kiss two s's? Because it takes two to complete the spell.
When is an artist a dangerous person? When his designs are bad.
Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur' (detonator).
Why is a sovereign gained like a guinea? Because it is one pound won.
What is the least valuable thing a man can have in his pocket? A hole.
Why is your nose like V in civility? Because it is between two eyes.
What flower becomes liquid when you take off its head? The pink (ink).
What is that which is invisible, yet never out of sight? The letter "s."
Why is an obliging man like an old story? Because he is affable (a fable).
Which king, known to the Prophet Samuel, would prevent speech? A-gag.
Why is ploughed ground like a riotous mob? Because it is arable (a rabble).
Why is a dead dog like a shipwreck? Because it is a bark (barque) lost.
Why is a tight shoe like a hot summer? Because it makes the corn grow.
Why has a greedy man a short memory? Because he is always for-getting.
Why are well-darned stockings like dead men? Because they are men-ded.
Long and lank – thin and tail – spits fire and kills all. What is it? A gun.
What is it we often tell others to do and can't do ourselves? Stop a minute.
What county in Ireland reminds you of a candle nearly burnt out? Wick-low.
Why is a punctual man like the letter "m"? Because it is always in time.
What kind of field is older than you are? One that is pasturage (past your age).
Why is the letter P like the most cruel Roman? Because it to near O (Nero).
When did the cock crow so that all the world heard it? When it was in the Ark.
What four letters spell the Russian Ambassador's title? X L N C (Excellency).
Why is a wise man like a nail? Because his head prevents him from going to far.
What fruit may Noah be supposed to have chiefly laid up in the Ark? Pears (pairs).
What is the most difficult train to catch? All about the same, if the train gets the start.
What creatures took money into the Ark? The duck took a bill, and the skunk a (s)cent.
Why is attar of roses like a letter from Australia? Because it is sent (scent) from afar.
Why is a selfish man like the letter P? Because he is the first to pay and the last in help.
Why is a cat catching its tail like a good housekeeper? Because it makes both ends meet.
What to the most remarkable animal in the world? The pig, because it is first killed, then cured.
What grows less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel grows less tyred the more it works.
Why is a horse a curious feeder? Because he eats best when he has not a bit in his mouth.
Why is a loaf which has fallen overboard like a lobster? Because it is bread (bred) in the sea.
How is it Dutch people come into the world ready dressed? Because they are born in Holland.
There is a word of five letters from which two can be taken, and only one left. What is it? Stone.
Why should not the number 283 be mentioned in polite society? Because it is two (too) gross.
Why are people born deaf always good? Because they have never erred (heard) in their lives.
What is that which, while we feel but cannot see, which is easily swallowed, but never eaten? Flattery.
What is that which, while it belongs entirely to yourself, is used more by others than you? Your name.
Why is a doctor out of temper like a woman out of temper? Because he has lost his patients (patience).
What is the difference between a fowl with two wings and a fowl with only one? Merely a matter of a pinion.
Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of mechanics? Because they are always on the strike for more pay.
Why as a young lady looking at a sign-post like a letter with a wrong address? Because she is miss-directed.
Why is it probable that Charles I. consented to be executed? Because they "axed" him whether he would or not.
Why is a rude fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil one? Because his sells fish, and gives sauce with it.
If all the letters in the alphabet were to run a race which letter would be sure to be the first in starting? The letter S.
What is the difference between a cabinet-maker and a crockery dealer? One makes tea-sets, the other makes set-tees.
What is that which a lady never had, and never can have, and yet she has it in her power to present to another? A wife.
Why is coal the most contradictory thing known to commerce? Because, when bought, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cellar.
Why should an ill-fitting pair of trousers remind you of two French ports? Because they may be too long and too loose (Toulon and Toulouse).
What force or strength cannot get through, I, with a gentle touch, can do; and many in the street would stand, were I not as a friend at hand? A key.
Who can drink the most coffee on an empty stomach, a large man or a small man? Neither, for after the first swallow, the stomach is no longer empty.
From The Witness, 3rd December 1915